Journal Entry: May 3, 2019
[This entry was a reflection upon a large part of 2018]
Is there value in pain? Did grief bring me to ACIM (A Course in Miracles)? I felt grief. A lot of it. I felt frustrated wondering when it would end. I had many stories reliving ad nauseam memories, his face, words, the feelings, the same sex scenes obsessively. OBSESSIVELY. They wouldn’t stop. I saw them, I felt him, I cried incessantly. I cried spontaneously. Any moment alone, a song, in the car. I cried and cried and cried. I wondered. I pleaded. I begged. I plotted. I asked to see him. I called him. I fantasized. Nada.
Nothing came. He didn’t come. We didn’t bump into each other. Yet I grieved and grieved and fed the grief without meaning to. I didn’t want it and it was there so what was the lesson? The same one always: acceptance. Surrender to what is. The anger of it all. The frustration of it all. the entire thing. Existence. Anger. Such deep anger. Do you fucking see me?
I want to be seen by you. Do you hear me?
I did all the things. All the hippity dippity things. All the ritualistic, bullshit things. The grief prevailed. The obsessions prevailed. The lesson was the same. I now had ACIM and I had “someone” to ask for help. So I did. I asked and asked and asked. I begged for it. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me see this differently. What am I missing? Help me. How do I see this through love?
How I finally released the need for pain
If grief isn’t real and pain isn’t real then how do I stop? How do I return to love? I asked and asked and asked. I was obsessed. Angry. I started writing letters on scraps of paper. I was done. Fuck these thoughts. I’m done. Let them be. I waved the white flag in surrender. I’m done. So I wrote letters on scrap paper. Any time a thought about him arose – a memory, a fantasy, a longing – I wrote a letter. It was always the same. “Thank you” for this and that. I wrote gratitude. It’s not like I made myself. I had nothing left. I felt truly grateful. Instead of ruminating on moments just to recreate a good feeling which inevitably led to grief, I took the thought, dissected it quickly, and extracted the joy from it. I was grateful for the joy, for what I learned, from what I received from being with him and I thanked him, somehow knowing he was feeling the gratitude. It was therapeutic. Every time a thought arose about him, I wrote a letter. Really they were love notes. Short, to the point, and thankful. [I never sent them. They were for me]
One day I reached the end (I didn’t know it at the time). Something plagued me for a long time. I wondered if I had made a massive mistake ending the romance. I wondered if he was the one I’d think about until my final breath. I wanted to call him and tell him I was wrong and I only wanted him and none of my other desires mattered. That was familiar. The lies. So I checked in. I had a chat with the Holy Spirit. Was it a mistake?
Instantly I knew it wasn’t a mistake.
Nothing is a mistake.
There are no mistakes.
No decision I’ve ever made was a mistake.
Not the abortion, not leaving him, not anything.
Nothing ever, EVER, ever, ever is a mistake. Something inside me relaxed. I mean fully. I mean all the angst left me. I stopped crying. I wrote the final letter to him. It read “nothing was a mistake. Thank you. I release you”. That was pretty much it. The obsessing stopped. I think about him now and then but there’s no charge. It’s like a phantom limb. Sometimes I feel something familiar and then it’s gone.
Love freed me
I realized that thinking about him, choosing to think about him was imprisoning him too. I didn’t want that. So in the end, as usual, LOVE freed me and him. Truly all I wanted was for both of us to be free, to be happy.
The last letter to him was one of acceptance – of all of it. Of him and I, transitioning out of him and I, grief, anger, obsession, falling to my knees and surrendering, seeing it all differently. Seeing the divine orchestration in all of it. I didn’t do it. I didn’t plan it. I couldn’t have. Not in a million lifetimes. It’s looking over it all and seeing the absolute genius of it all. Absolute genius. Smiling. Accepting. Adventure.
Is there value in pain?
Present day…I’ve decided that I can learn the lessons I need to learn without excessive pain, grief, doubt, anger, lies, and poison. The lies in my mind will be there but I don’t have to believe them and be taken down a rabbit hole of depression. My only job is to allow the poison to ooze out of me and disappear into the river soon becoming crystal clear as the waters of LOVE flow. I don’t have to do anything. I just let it flow. Can you remove the value from pain and place it in pleasure, in joy, in peace, and in LOVE?
I love you fiercely!
PS: What adventures are you excited and willing to have? Need some ideas? Download the DIY Guide below to choose your own adventure in becoming a Radical Pleasurist.