(This is for ALL relationships. Friends, family, significant others, coworkers, anyone!)
Have you ever asked someone for something you need and their response was dismissal, ridicule, or defensiveness?
Maybe you have been too nervous and tongue-tied to actually make a request. This special snippet from our Connect to Your Body::Speak Your Mind program is for you.
People can take things personally when we ask for something to change and what we hear ins response are their own insecurities. The following FIVE steps will cut through their “stuff” so you can speak directly to their heart and help keep their walls down so you can actually receive what you desire, need, or want.
Imagine asking for what you want clearly, with confidence, and actually getting it! When you follow the steps below, you will be starting an ongoing conversation about your desires. Just remember you are important and so deserving. Are you ready?
First, what’s a need?
As human beings there are actually a lot of things we “need” according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The Basic needs are the ones we know quite well and usually don’t have a problem speaking up for. However, the Psychological and Self-fulfillment needs are ones that can tend to get put on the backburner as they might not always seem like a “need” for many of us.
Are any of these needs not being met for you?
5 Steps on how to Ask For Your Needs to be met:
1) Ask for Consent. Simply check in and ask, “Do you have a minute to talk?” Practice not having expectations. They may say “no”. In that case, you can say “thank you for your honesty, when would be a good time to talk?”.
2) Express appreciation. Tap into what you love and appreciate about the relationship or the person, then voice it – “I really appreciate how strong you are”. Search for the positive in the person, in a behavior, in your relationship, or something happening in the moment.
3) Use a Feeling message. “I feel discouraged and self-conscious when I hear you list things that haven’t been done as soon as I get home.” See how this takes ownership for your feelings instead of blaming the other person for it? This is crucial in crafting your message or you could be hit with defensiveness from the other person.
4) Express your desire in a positive statement. Be brave, vulnerable, and unapologetic about what your needs are and express your request. “I desire to feel encouraged and empowered. I want to be praised and loved when I come home first before anything else.” This shows how much you value yourself.
5) Make an invitation. Ask “What do you think?” and then be quiet. Sit and wait for the other person to speak. You always want someone to consider your request and to respond honestly.
The Steps in Action
I used this model with my partner Eric after the first time I completed the Connect to your Body :: Speak your Mind Program with Radical Pleasurist. I had never thought to explicitly ask him for something to be different because I never thought it was something I really needed. I thought I needed to accept and appreciate things as they were, and asking for them to change would mean, well, I didn’t really accept things as they were! When I learned this communication module from Sophia and the program, I finally took time to get really clear on what I needed in my relationship. Her 1:1 help and support with this was essential and extremely useful!
Eric and I have had the habit of watching TV after the workday for awhile. I started to realize that I was feeling really disconnected from my partner. We weren’t talking about much beyond simple day-to-day happenings and I was craving intimate conversations. To add to this, I also was desiring more attention from Eric and did not want to compete with the television screen. Here’s an actual conversation we had using the 5 steps above.
- [Consent] “Hey Eric, do you have a minute to hear me out?” (I waited for him to say “yes”)
- [Appreciation] “I really appreciate the time we spend together and enjoy connecting with you”
- [Feeling message] “I feel disconnected and reserved when we watch TV most of the evening. I notice myself craving more attention.”
- [Express your desire] “I would love to set aside time with you where we turn off the TV and practice connecting in deep, authentic ways. I already have some ideas!”
- [Invitation] “What do you think?”
Eric took a moment to let everything sink in and then said, “Thank you. That was a really effective way to ask for what you need!.” Since I owned my feelings, instead of projecting them onto him or blaming him, his defense mechanisms were kept at bay. He was able to hear me without getting caught up in his own “stuff”.
Nowadays, we pause and take time to connect before indulging in a show or movie, we set aside time to breath together in silence, or we share vulnerably and ask each other deepening questions. We get a chance to get to know each other more each day, beyond the surface level, and it feels oh so good!
Is there something you have been needing that you want to ask for? (it helps to allow yourself to have needs and to know what they are)
Maybe you do not know exactly what you need but you know something has to change. We have resources available to help you!
Book an Pleasure Preview with Sophia today and start unlocking your deep hidden needs. She is proficient at uncovering what is below the surface that’s keeping you from living your boldest, most pleasurable life (and one where you aren’t a pleaser).