Parts one and two are on our blog. Check it out to follow along with the story!
 

Still a Pleaser

I knew nothing of Portland. I had visited the year before while the boyfriend and I were on our roadtrip. We hiked in both the Gorge and the coastal mountains. I went to hot springs. We feasted on incredible food. The weather was lovely. Portland enchanted me and she landed on my list of possible places to be my forever home. 

I had the one friend and she is who I ended up living with. (to read about how Portland came to be my home, go here). I already knew we weren’t right as roommates but she was my gateway to salvation so I accepted the living situation. I am forever grateful to her. I continued to be a pleaser with her, believing I was less than her. I allowed her to dictate our living situation. I was afraid to rock the boat so I kept silent a lot. She is the only person I knew and I needed her. She highlighted how much I believed I was broken. I didn’t listen to my higher self and instead  listened to the inner critic constantly. 

My vegan food business boomed immediately. I had a business coach and he didn’t feel right to me after the first month, yet I allowed him to convince me otherwise. I didn’t listen to myself and ended up giving him almost $10,000! I was terrified to talk to him. He was powerful at manipulative sales. I kept saying “yes” to him when I wanted to say “no”. I was a pleaser with him. I had insomnia thinking about him. One day, I mustered the courage to talk to him and I ended up firing him because he didn’t listen to me. I needed to be heard. I deserved it. I wanted to stop listening to everyone else. It was a huge move for me.

My parts returned to me

During my first month in Portland, I met my first shaman – a major healer in my journey back to my Self. She did a soul retrieval and I received messages from my baby. The part of me that left when I made the decision to have an abortion returned to me. I finally felt closure. I felt released from the grips of grief, shame, and sadness. The ex-boyfriend and I were still talking to each other. I was using him as an emotional crutch because I was scared to put myself out there. He was all I knew. After the soul retrieval, I told him I didn’t want to speak anymore. I ended the relationship in an angry way. I didn’t know how to end it in any other way (I didn’t yet have the skills to communicate compassionately as I do now). The energetic tether was finally cut. I was determined to put my best foot forward in Portland.

As usual when I chose to serve my highest Self, opportunities started to pour in. Synchronicities abounded. I met the right people all the time. I networked, made friends, and dated. I connected with high-paying clients. Life was amazing. Summer was around the corner and I was ready to play and be immersed in nature. Portland summers are the best, I was told. I had massive fun while I rode the entrepreneurial wave. Business was awesome one minute and totally dry the next. I was receiving a taste of entrepreneurial life and it spun me into periods of extreme anxiety (I didn’t yet have the skills and tools to remain at peace as I do now).

Inspiration and birth to a new business

Then the first game-changer book was introduced to me. I know now that God speaks to me through books. I read “Playing Big” and went through the exercises in the book. For the first time ever, I became deeply intimate with the Inner Critic. I began to understand its power, how I listened to it, and how it was making decisions for me all the time. I met my Inner Mentor. I longed to know her. She was beautiful, at peace, and all-knowing. I began to understand fear. I felt fear in my body and learned how to transmute it. I thought about my calling and longed to know it. I longed to stop being a pleaser. I was transformed quickly going through the curriculum. 

In addition to having a successful food business, I began to see young women as my first life coaching clients. I began to use the Playing Big curriculum with these women and noticed their growth and progress. At the end of 2014 (not even a year into living in Portland), I noticed that the food business was not inspiring me and I was drawn to coaching more than anything. My food business began to recede into the background in early 2015 I let it go completely. I was leaving the food world and unbeknownst to me, entering my life’s work. So I experimented and attracted young female clients to me. I paid attention to my desire to serve young women. I noticed that memories returned to me of when I was deeply engrossed in women’s empowerment work as a therapist and organizer. I was remembering my passion to end violence against women and girls. I started to remember the V-Day campaign I organized in 2008-2009. I remembered that campaign being the first time I felt fearless. I paid attention to these memories and feelings because I knew they were surfacing for a reason. I allowed everything to flow. I trusted. I knew it was synchronicity. I followed my desire to coach.

Remembering my Feminine

In my personal life, I was drawn to the womanly arts. I knew I needed to be more in my feminine essence. Many helpers appeared before me exactly when I asked for them (via prayer). I had a delicious Goddess photoshoot. I took courses designed to teach me how to access my feminine. I learned about tantra and everything began to make sense to me in terms of how I had been operating all my life; too much in my masculine. I was fed up with being a doer, a problem-solver, and a hard ass. I didn’t understand my masculine either. I was vastly imbalanced. I craved softness and submission. I craved being with men who were in their masculine so I could be in my feminine. I wanted magnetic turn-on with men. I wanted men who would take care of me and make decisions. I craved to be taken care of.

I met my first boyfriend in Portland through Tinder shortly after arriving and received the chance to practice my womanly arts. He took me everywhere. We laughed a ton. He gave me fun and laughter; something I never really had in my previous relationships. However, there were also massive incompatibilities I ignored. The patterns of pleaserhood/ice queen were still well and alive within me. I believed I needed him. I wanted to fix him. I told myself that I could handle his mental illnesses. I told myself I was wonder woman and that I had enough joy for both of us. He had a good paying job and a car and an apartment. I thought that was enough for me and what I wanted. Turns out, it was what I was programmed to want in lieu of being honored, respected, seen, and heard. I was programmed to put him before me and that’s what I did in the relationship. The pattern was still operating. The relationship became physically and verbally abusive.=

He promised to take care of me and I believed him. He was the first man I hit and unleashed my decades-long rage onto. We verbally abused and manipulated each other emotionally. I hated him. He disgusted me. He didn’t let me be myself and I didn’t let him be himself. We were co-dependent. We enabled each other’s darkness. Rarely we encouraged each other’s growth. Neither one of us had the skills to communicate lovingly. While hiking on the coast about a year into the relationship, I broke up with him on the trail (I have always been the one to end relationships – another pattern). I was profoundly unhappy and instead of having conversations with him, I just sobbed amongst the trees and broke up with him. Another relationship I put all my energy into only to end it. No friendship, no continuity. Just another dude I fucked and fled. However, I did something I had never done before after exiting a relationship.

I promised myself I would feel everything. I knew how to do that. I practiced the year before with my intense grief. I promised myself I would accept being alone forever if it meant I would never betray myself again. I wasn’t going to compromise myself anymore. I committed to knowing and trusting myself fully. 

I wish I could say that I wasn’t a pleaser anymore after that relationship. It took one more abusive romantic relationship to finally end the pleaser/ice queen/inner critic reign.

Reflection Time

How are you a pleaser in your life? No judgment, just be aware. What you see about yourself sets you free. Reply to this email and let me know!

I love you fiercely. You’re not broken, just buried.

Sophia

P.s. if you are unaware of how you’re a pleaser, let’s have a coaching conversation. I dedicate 30-50 minutes of listening to you and identifying your blocks to pleasure. I’m a genius at seeing what is hidden within you. Once I bring it to the light, you can choose to let it go and feel freer, more joyful, and allow yourself to receive pleasure.

THE
FEEL YOUR BODY
JOURNEY

THE

FEEL YOUR BODY

JOURNEY

 

Feel, accept, trust, and love yourself!

You are in!

THE

FEEL YOUR BODY

JOURNEY

 

Feel, accept, trust, and love yourself!

Be in sisterhood now!

You are in!

Pin It on Pinterest

Shares
Share This