Ah one of the most important stages on my path of healing. So appropriate since it is what I’m teaching currently in the Connect to your Body::Speak your Mind Program (by the way, enrollment is open NOW for a very short period of time until October 4th!)
What I’m about to share with you was, and still is, a necessary set of experiences on the path of self-healing. It was the first awareness of what would come to be many deep layers of awareness. As you’ll read in this series, the content for healing appears over and over in my life. It never means I’m going backwards. It means I’m releasing deeper layers of bullshit beliefs. May it remind you that EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE IS OK AND PERFECT.
Here is Part One of this series if you’d like a refresher…
Feel the Feelings
I drove across the country back to him. I started my first business as a vegan personal chef. I had no idea what I was doing. I had confidence and faith. Somehow, I’ve always had those. I was being led yet I didn’t exactly know that. I was hired at a high end restaurant. My work brought me immense joy and a sense of accomplishment. He and I continued to be a couple while living in a communal house. While meditating for 28 days in California, this thought came to me: I don’t need to be married or have kids. I need the boyfriend. I didn’t know that was the inner critic speaking to me, telling me I didn’t need to be married or have kids, and I believed it. Even with all the meditation I practiced, I did not know who I was listening to (the inner critic or inner wise woman). So I lied and told him I didn’t need a baby anymore just so he can take me back. He believed me. We lived in pretend harmony.
In Chicago, I went back to my therapist. A Godly woman. That’s why I liked her. I believed in God at this point in my life. I wasn’t relying on Him fully yet (God is LOVE. The pronoun makes no difference to me). I told her everything. She liberated me by telling me I was feeling GRIEF. Was that it? I had no idea. I never really allowed myself to feel grief so I didn’t know what it felt like. It was a foreign experience. She said to feel it. Just feel it. I was afraid to feel. I was afraid I would die. No one taught me how to feel. I was taught as a kid to NOT feel. NOT feeling was safe and familiar. Feeling felt unsafe and terrifying.
So I did. And I died. I sat in my bedroom daily looking out the window. I was numb. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t leave the house except to grocery shop for my clients and to go to work. I couldn’t look at babies or couples. I sat in the bedroom and watched life go by. I allowed him to watch me die. He began to feel grief too. I told my mom. That freed me. She supported me. She asked why I didn’t come to her. I made a mistake mom, I told her. She said, “go ask him to have a baby. We’ll support you.” I said, “good idea.” She knew what she was doing. She knew he wouldn’t want to. She wanted me to come to my own conclusion. I asked him. He made excuses. Grad school this, no money that. I began to see the truth of things.
I began to feel everything. ANGER, SADNESS, GRIEF, RESENTMENT, RAGE, HATE. I allowed myself to feel everything. I allowed him to witness me. I held nothing back. Before I knew it, I began to feel better. I began to feel free. I began to feel like myself: joyful, playful, full of love and light.
In December of 2013 a friend and I were chatting. She was visiting her family in Chicago at the time. She lived in Portland and as we were chatting, she asked me to be her roommate. My immediate inclination and response was NO (which I know now was an autopilot response born out of fear). I always seemed to say NO or YES without pausing. I was committed to Chicago, to the boyfriend, to life there. Yet, I hated Chicago and my boyfriend so why was I so willing to forsake the opportunity to leave? Turns out it was based on a deeply held and reinforced belief NOT to be disloyal, flaky, or abandon the status quo (which at the time was staying in a dead-end relationship).
In February 2014, a few days after Valentine’s day, one morning I awoke feeling deep calm. I knew it was time and everything inside me was ready. I looked at him and said “It’s not you. It will never be you.” I knew it was finally over. He tried all the things to keep me to stay with him. I bet he was prepared to propose to me. I didn’t let him manipulate me. I stood my ground. We continued to live together for a month. He cried daily while I explored my needs, desires, and building my business. I explored friendships with other men. All of a sudden, he became the boyfriend I had always desired: attentive, loving, and giving. It didn’t matter. I didn’t want him. I didn’t need him. I wanted only myself. It is then that I decided what I wanted: to move to Portland. I was moving toward my desired future, not running away from something. Everything began to line up with ease (as these things tend to happen when I’m aligned with spirit). I got everything together in lightning speed as I was determined to start a new chapter of healing in my life.
On March 19, 2014 my awesome dad and I left Chicago in my minivan with all of my belongings to make my final cross-country trip. On March 21, 2014, I arrived home: Portland, Oregon. Driving through the Columbia Gorge sandwiched by trees and a wide river, an overwhelming gratitude cloaked me. It was the first time in my entire life that I felt HOME (still do!). The healing of my lifetime would begin here.
Do you remember a time when you allowed yourself to feel all your feelings? Reply to this post with comments below and let me know how that transformed your life!
I love you fiercely. Know that you are always being guided and that you are always loved.
p.s. the journey began for me when I felt my feelings within my body and practiced a shit ton. Join the profoundly powerful Program below if you are finally ready to trust yourself, feel safe in your body, the world, and relationships.