Radical Pleasure Series: The game of life and its many stages. It’s not always rosy. Sometimes pleasure and pain are happening simultaneously.
Would you like to go on a journey with me? The next few blogs are stages I passed through to be where I am today: confident, at peace, 90% fulfilled by my relationships, massive forgiveness of self and everyone who caused me pain. The photo above was taken in Florida as my boyfriend (at that time) and I were beginning our epic road trip. I’m smiling and probably feeling happy. I’m also probably masking the incredible grief and regret I was burying.
Hindsight really is 20/20. This is one beginning of my story as my story has had many beginnings. The event I describe was a pivotal one where the Pleaser part of me died, as well as other parts. Back then, it was the most traumatic event of my life. Now I see it differently. I no longer see it as a trauma. It was a divinely orchestrated (explaining how is a high level conceptualization and one that will go in my book or in an advanced awakening series) stage on my path of awakening to sustainable joy and peace. I don’t regret a single moment of my life and that makes me free. It’s a challenging story to read and one I know many will see themselves in.
It begins in the dark. These things always begin in the dark. Because I was committed to seeing the light, I emerged from the darkness over several years. Now I can tell the story as an observer, no longer plagued by the pain. Just another stage in the game of life.
I sat in the waiting room for hours. Push down everything. Don’t feel. You made the decision. Stick to it. There’s no turning back.Think anything except what’s happening. I’m being called. It’s time. I’m barely walking through the halls. I feel a heavy energy move through my legs as if I’m going to collapse. Keep walking. You made your decision. I’m being examined. This many weeks. This is how big it is. Push down all the feelings. They don’t matter. Push down the excitement and fear. Push down looking at the books and the birth plan. Push it all down.
More waiting. This day needs to be something other than this. He’s useless. It’s all me. It’s always just me. I am alone in this world. I take care of myself. There’s no one else. I’m in a room alone. Waiting endlessly for the first “treatment”. The beginning of the end. The first death. I’m waiting endlessly and I could leave. Why don’t I leave? Because I’m committed. I am not a quitter. I made a decision. I’m sticking with it. I won’t ruin our plans. I won’t ruin his life. I’m waiting endlessly. No one is coming. When will this be done? I step out and ask what’s happening. How long will I wait?
I’m asked, Why are you doing this now? I made up a reason that convinced me. It’s not the right time. I’m sure. Yes, I’m sure. I’m given the things. Drink fast. Don’t think. This is it. I can’t reverse this. It’s over.
Two days of excruciating pain. Aborting her in my cousin’s house. No one knows except for the boyfriend. She’s gone now. Now we can continue our road trip. Now I can be a good Buddhist (or what I conceptualized as a good Buddhist for convenience. Being like the Buddha is actually the opposite. You feel all your feelings and release them. Equanimity.) and suppress everything. Be in the now. Be in the present moment. Don’t feel anything. It’s done. Move on. It’s done. I told my best friend. She consoled me. He and I traveled around the country having some kind of fun. National parks, friends, strangers, adventures. Don’t cry. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t care. I didn’t know I was dying.
That was 2013. It was THE turning point of my life. It was the moment I realized I was not in control. I was a yoga teacher, meditator, fantastic communicator, and so-called spiritual badass. I thought I was immune to trauma. I didn’t know the power of the inner critic and it’s weapon of massive fear. I didn’t know I wasn’t alone. All the deeply hidden beliefs (and years of programming from my parents) I had resulted in giving up the one thing I wanted more than anything in life at that time: to be a mother. Instead, I chose my boyfriend, who didn’t want a baby, and an epic road trip I had been desiring for 10 years. I asked him “we’ll be able to do this again, right?” He lied and said “yes”. If I was him, I would have lied too. I didn’t want to let him down. I didn’t want to fuck up our plans. I didn’t talk to anyone or ask for help. I believed I needed to figure it out on my own. I didn’t allow him his feelings. I didn’t allow us to have any kind of conversation. It was my decision alone. I didn’t let myself feel. I reacted. I went into PLEASER mode. I went into fix-it mode. I did what I knew best. All the spirituality I had meant nothing (I didn’t really know what it meant to be spiritual). I failed. I hated myself.
We finished our 8 month road trip (I honestly don’t know how I kept my shit together. The power of suppressing feelings is limitless). I flailed about for months. I broke up with him many times only to come begging back. I was energetically tethered to him. (that’s how the abused stay with abusers. It’s a really hard habit to break) I was lost. I didn’t know I was lost. I focused on work; on starting something. I focused on being productive. Anything except my feelings. I was in California and he was in Chicago. I begged him to take me back. I hated Chicago and yet I couldn’t tear myself away from him. My higher self knew we had more work to do together. He wasn’t done being my teacher.
So I drove from California to Chicago by myself over three days. I cried almost the entire time. I had no idea whether what I was doing was right. Turns out there are no mistakes. It took years to come to this truth.
What event(s) or relationship(s) have shaped your life? What is your Pleaser story?
What did you learn from the event or relationship?
What “mistakes” have you made that, in looking back, weren’t mistakes at all?
Allow yourself to see yourself differently this week. How does it feel to write your story?
I love you fiercely and I KNOW you are more resilient and wise than you believe,
p.s. the journey began for me when I felt my feelings within my body. Join the Journey and worldwide movement to trust and love yourself again.