I’ve written before that I enjoy visiting my former self and noticing the ways that I experience life both differently than in the past as well as all the ways it is similar to my current experience. I have excellent data; I made voice recordings, videos and have some written records.
On December 4, 2018 I made this recording about how I was processing quite a few body focused therapies all within a short period of time. A tremendous amount of emotions, memories and pain was coming to the surface. You can either listen to my voice in the recording below, or read the transcription.
Dec 4 2018: Shit Ton of bodywork
Transcription: Okay so I think the reason all of this is happening all at once is because I’ve been doing so much body work. I’ve been tapping, myofascial stretching, regular yoga, taking epsom salt baths and coffee enemas. All of this has been within the past few days- 5 days? 4 days?
Yeah! I am really opening up some space. Good for me! Oh yeah! Look at me! Now I’m appreciating it alot sooner.
There is so much intense sensation, which I would in the past have called pain. Now (breath). Okay. Breathe into it. I am training. I am stretching. I am training my body and spirit for what is coming next. So that I can BE more active. I can experience more energy.
So much restriction, it’s like a tight net all over my body. Holding it in except the little bits of energy that are able to spooge through the little holes in the net. It will flow so much more freely if the net is loosened or remoooooooved so that’s what all this body work is doing. Oh! And whatever the fuck that is happening with Heather… the early attachment work has also played a big role. I’m snapping the fuck out of this rubber band ball! (note: see definition below)
Side note: Heather is my counselor.
December 1 2018 Rubber band analogy explained:
part 2: (there was some story in the middle that I decided to cut out)
Transcription: I feel like my higher self has been locked in a cage inside a huge rubber band ball. Over these past years while I’ve been so consciously stepping into my full self, I’ve been breaking those rubber bands. And I’m finally getting to the point where there is light shining through to my true self and she can see out and I can see in. Here I am breaking out of that rubber band ball that I was buried within. So deeply that I could not see. And now I lead a charmed life. I always have had a charmed life. But it’s charmed in a much more overt way now. I still have big fucking challenges. But they are shifting. They are shifting, they are shifting, shifting. I’m working it out. And it feels both heavy and light. And I’m trying not to project what will happen in the next four years based on the enormity of what has happened in the last. Jesus Christ. Really the past five plus years have been wildly challenging. So why wouldn’t I believe that it was going to continue that way? Of course. But it’s not. It’s shifting. Okay I need to focus on breakfast.
Solo vs. connected
I love how I’m giving myself a pat on the back in the middle of noticing how all of those physical therapies were bringing up a great deal of emotion as well as helping me deepen my understanding of myself. It is not surprising at all for me to discover that recording just when I was thinking about all the body focused therapies I’ve been practicing in the past month. The difference between then and now (April 2019) is that in December, they were all solo activities. Everything now is about being in connection with others while I continue to deepen my relationship with my body.
In the past month, I’ve experienced daily yoga- at least 30 minutes; twice a week I do 90 minutes. I walk my dog for 30-60 minutes a day. I have danced at four ecstatic dances, participated in four contact dance classes and jams, attended three belly dancing classes, snuggled in three platonic groups, had a holistic pelvic massage and hiked 9.5 miles. I’ve been doing all of this while seeing a special friend two to three times a week and rediscovering sexual and romantic intimacy for the first time in 17 months.
Wisdom comes through the body
So, yeah. I’ve been incredibly active. This is in stark contrast to most of 2016 and all of 2017 when I struggled to walk my dog around the block let alone live a “normal” life; I am particularly enjoying the celebration I feel as I move. I am deeply grateful that I’ve learned how to listen to my intuition (and follow it!) because now I choose how to spend my time based on how it feels. I feel my ‘hell yes’ in a variety of ways. Sometimes it’s an excited lurch in my stomach; sometimes it’s a melting relaxation in my muscles; sometimes it’s the word ‘yes!’ bouncing around in my head. Clearly right now my intuition is guiding me towards discovering ways my body can feel pleasure through movement, touch and connection with others.
How do you feel your ‘hell yes’? I’d love to hear about it!
I love you fiercely!
Follow along in my adventure and choose your own toward freedom with the EPIC DIY Guide to being a Radical Pleasurist. Get it below!