We’ve had a pretty great February with our jaunt to Costa Rica. I’m (Sophia) craving the beach and 90 degrees though. It’s easy to want something that isn’t here. And it’s painful to try to hold onto the want (can you relate? Let’s talk!). This whole month has been about accepting what is while going through the growing pains of releasing what we don’t need. Heather has been releasing a shit ton too. We’re both experiencing the growing pains of shedding old skin to grow into something bigger. It’s scary AF. Here are our experiences.
Shedding by Sophia
It felt painful to shed this skin into a bigger existence.
I walked into dance shaking on the inside. I looked at my hands. Steady. I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t hug or smile.
People knew. They hugged me gently. I needed to be held, contained. More desires dying. I don’t need them anymore.
I somehow walked through dancers. A friend hugged me. I could hardly hug back. He held me tight. I felt more drop off. He knew what I needed. I sat down in the pew and nothing crossed my face. I felt the shaking and my breath.
One by one beloveds came to me…
“I’m happy to see you”
“I see you”
“I love you so fucking much”
“can I hold you”
I didn’t speak. I smiled and accepted love in all its forms. every hand on me allowed a layer to shed.
I buried my face in faces, in chests, in arms. My beloveds contained me so I can shed gently. I felt the shaking subside. I felt renewed, ready to move again. I danced.
My head has ached for three days. Unusual. Acceptance. I am not separate. I crawled from one side of the room, through dancer’s bodies, to the other to drink water. I sat. More beloveds containing me. I’m safe to expand into a bigger existence. I hardly spoke. I allowed whomever to come into my sphere, dance with me, hug me, cry for me.
We cry together. We dance together. We shed together.
We hear God together.
Thank you for showing me love in this world.
Rollercoaster by Heather
I’ve been in a process of allowing myself to be seen, a bit at a time in a variety of ways. It’s a roller coaster ride. As I slowly arrive at the top I discover another layer I can shed, I hold it up high and let it fly from my fingers as the speed picks up. The joyous sensation of “wheeeee!” builds in my chest. Ahead is the dip, the retreat, the contraction. I know it’s coming; I know also that I do not have to stay there, but it is a part of the journey and must be visited.
Exercise has become my release. The place where I can meet my body, check in and find out how it needs to move in this moment. Not so long ago I could not identify, let alone name, the sensations I was experiencing. I would feel spontaneous movement and try to restrict and contain it because it was unfamiliar. Now I say ‘yes please’ and go with it. My usual morning yoga practice helps me tune in quietly for 20-30 minutes. Today I knew I needed more so I went to my community center and joined a 75 minute restorative yoga session. I was in nearly constant motion, the muscle contractions moving through my body like waves. It helped me move a great deal of energy within the structure and container of guided movement.
This afternoon I did a heavily modified version of the app workout I’m following. Each movement on my list got me into my body enough that I could sense more clearly how it wanted to move. I flowed, I lost track of time, I forgot which exercise I had done. I can see why it’s been easy to avoid intense exercise… it forces me to move through old garbage that’s trapped in my body and I did not have the tools necessary to process it all before now. The memories float up like small packages- some I can see clearly without even opening them, I bless and release them quickly. Some I have to open and sit with for a bit. Yoga alone isn’t enough, I need to move more intensely to get it worked out.
It’s a process to shed my old skin. It’s an interesting mixture of surprise and delight mingled with anger, fear and pain. I may be in the dip of the roller coaster ride in this moment, but it is necessary. I know that in a few hours, it will shift as I have come to know and expect in this shedding.
We love you fiercely,
Sophia & Heather