Have you ever tried to run away from reality? Have you ever been distracted from what you are meant to do?
That happened to me last week. I signed up to work for a week at Breitenbush Hot Springs (in the kitchen) thinking I would be able to complete my duties there while working remotely on Radical Pleasurist. There is sparse internet and phone reception in the forest mountain but I was convinced I would make it work. As soon as I arrived, I realized quickly that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I was scheduled for a working interview to be a fill-in for regular kitchen staff. I honestly don’t know why, upon reflection, I applied for such a position considering I have a business and a million tasks to complete. Now, I know – thanks to listening to my body – that I applied for this position out of fear of showing up for my business and community and being successful. I was trying to distract myself. I convinced myself that I could do all the things and have fun.
It wasn’t fun. My body started to react immediately. I love Breitenbush and it’s one of my favorite places to hang out on earth. It’s mountain, forest, river, sacred land, sacred community, hot springs goodness. I’ve had many experiences at Breitenbush: I’ve taught, had a romantic getaway with a former boyfriend, had personal retreats, and assisted teachers there. My thought process was: anyway I could be there, get paid, work on my business, and chillax…I’m there! I though it was a magical opportunity. It actually turned out to be quite magical in the most surprising ways.
For the first shift, I had a massive headache and my body felt fatigued even though I had napped, and ate and slept well. I was dreading the shift. I got through it but I felt exhausted and my body hurt. I was told that with time my body would adjust but I kept asking myself “am I using my time and energy wisely?” I slept a ton following the first shift and the next day I felt even less motivated knowing I had 4 more days to go. I wanted to be anywhere but there which was weird considering I was in a gorgeous environment. I missed home, I missed Heather, I missed being connected to my community, and I had zero energy to work on my business. I was letting myself down.
My body felt fatigued even after meditation, a good night’s sleep, delicious food, and yoga. I’m a fairly healthy and strong woman so none of this made sense. While doing my morning ACIM (A Course in Miracles) study and feeling my body, truths started to arise.
- what was I doing here for the next 5 days and would it benefit Radical Pleasurist (RP), my #1 priority? Answer: I was running away and NO, it wouldn’t benefit RP
- how important was getting paid if it diverted time and energy from RP? Answer: not important at all. I needed faith, not money.
- was I trusting that I would be taken care of no matter what? Answer: I wasn’t trusting. I was compromising my time for very little money.
- I had just co-launched a profound offering with Heather and then I up and leave. Why was I running away, escaping, and distracting myself? Answer: I was resisting my responsibility and commitment to RP. I wasn’t living my purpose.
It came to me clearly that I was, indeed, distracting myself because I was feeling fearful about failure, about showing up fully and being ignored, and about money. I was giving my energy to activities that were not in my or Radical Pleasurist’s best interest.
Then I made a hard decision: I needed to leave immediately. This brought up a lot of fear and discomfort – breaking commitments, letting people down, appearing flaky, burning bridges with staff, etc. Now or never, I thought. Whatever fear I had, I needed to put aside. I found personnel and told them the truth: it was not in my integrity to use their resources, get paid, and fatigue myself when I had no intention of or desire to ever work in the kitchen. My business comes first. The staff with whom I connected were understanding and loving. They thanked me for honoring myself! Incredible people! I felt INCREDIBLE relief immediately.
What I really wanted was to teach and go to retreats there and enjoy myself. I was afraid to allow this desire and to ask. I didn’t trust that I could have this. As I was leaving, I bumped into the person I desired to know: the new program coordinator. Out of all the people I could meet, she was the last person I was introduced to and exactly who I needed to know! Such incredible magic!!! I also met a staff member just as passionate as me on all things intimacy and authentic connection. Perhaps there is a collaboration there, I thought to myself.
As I walked steadily toward my room to pack up, I felt my body expand and relax and I could breathe easier. All the fatigue and pain I felt for 2 days dissolved instantly. I REPEAT: ALL THE PAIN DISSOLVED INSTANTLY. I felt excited to go home and talk to Heather, who was relying on me. My body was clear. Thank you body. Thank you divine guidance for always steering me correctly. Thanks to myself for trusting my body and making decisions I needed to make. I’m back home and excited to interact with a strong community of women who have already joined the FEEL YOUR BODY JOURNEY.
Would you like to feel your body too? I mean really feel it in a way where you trust yourself again? Join us on the JOURNEY. Your energy and time matter so learn how to use it wisely. Sign up by clicking the button below!
We love you fiercely,