The funnest part about Radical Pleasurist over the past year has been playing with two mega amazing ladies: Heather (who you’ve become quite familiar with, I’m sure. Isn’t she bomb?) and Devon (who you’ll get to meet right now!!!)
Devon is an exemplary Radical Pleasurist. She is brave, stunning, brilliant, compassionate, and driven. I remember meeting her exactly one year ago at a killer Halloween party. We were both in costume and I remember being entranced by her hoop dancing (I’m pretty sure I was drooling). A few months later, I had the privilege of coaching her through the Connect to your Body::Speak your Mind 8-week Program. We played together on the periphery in our community. A few months later, I received the most epic email from her about an idea she had. She literally answered my prayers! She asked to be a part of Radical Pleasurist as an intern in exchange for business mentoring. I nearly shit myself with excitement! There’s nothing I wanted more than to usher Devon into her Zone of Genius while receiving help in growing our reach.
She blows my mind every day (seriously, my eyes pop out of my head in astonishment). Her skills are vast: incredibly loving sacred saleswoman, group facilitator, dancer, yoga teacher, and influential coach, to name a few. Her presence is both comforting and energizing. I am literally turned on whenever she is in a room. Here is her debut story for you all. Let’s welcome Devon into the coven…
Love you fierce,
My name is Devon, and I’m thrilled to be here with you sharing my story! My beloved and I came together while I was still in pleaser mode. Now, 2+ years later, I am now feeling stronger in myself than ever before and confident in making decisions that lead to more of my own embodied pleasure!
I was in a space where I desired to accept myself, trust myself, and feel confident in my skin yet I just didn’t know how. I was depleted upon returning home to Tampa, FL after a year in New Zealand. I felt trapped in a spiral of self-sabotage and I was starving for connection (I will share my story of this and why I now call it an “awakening” another time). The realization that something needed to be shifted internally was clear. I knew the love I was seeking was inside me somewhere and I longed for this to come forth within me.
Hours were spent analyzing my inner workings and picking apart my tendencies and thoughts with the hope that I would fix myself and my lack of self-love. I had no idea that these things were contributing to me showing up as a pleaser! This continued to remain hidden from me for quite some time, until I started working 1:1 with Sophia. It was natural for me to put others’ needs before me. So completely natural that I didn’t see any other way and I actually mistook my partner’s feelings and needs as being my own. I was disconnected with myself, my needs, and my truest desires.
My partner and I met on Tinder a few months after I returned to Florida. It was supposed to be a short 2-week fling before I moved out to SLC, Utah. Plans changed, of course… In those 2 weeks, with nothing to lose and no expectations, I felt more love around him than I had ever allowed myself to experience. My entire being was open and receptive to this handsome wholehearted human and I thoroughly enjoyed being praised and adored on a regular basis.
So I cancelled my plans and we moved forward, mutually uplifting and supporting each other through some of our darker times. Looking back I leaned on him quite a bit. Though I do believe this to be a beautiful display of the amount of trust I had in him from the beginning, I also see how this continued my pleasing pattern.
In general, if my partner felt happy, I felt happier. If my partner felt frustrated, I felt some frustration. If my partner was sad, I felt sad or uncomfortable, and so on. If my emotional state didn’t line up with my partner’s, I would often feel depressed! This pattern continued for a full year and a half. I would often think that something was wrong with me since I didn’t know how to allow space for what I was experiencing and I didn’t know how to express it. I was still disconnected from myself and missing this love deep inside. When I realized that this was a block to my pleasure, even while being so fiercely loved by this man of my dreams, I had a choice: I could include him in my process or I could shut him out.
My insecurities pushed me towards shutting him out, towards what looked like a strong independence, with a limiting belief tagging along that said “I need to fix myself first before I can fully be with another”. In reality, it was all fear. Fear that I would be too emotional. Fear that I would be abandoned. Fear that I would taint what we had.
I wasn’t going to lean back into my fears! I chose to include him, slowly, when I could. I felt scared and shy opening up and being completely vulnerable. In time, I started speaking my microscopic truth, stating my boundaries, and expressing my needs more clearly. No longer a pleaser, I knew this might cause some tension. I outstretched my shaking hand to his, I outstretched pieces of my heart I had locked up so long ago to him, and I am grateful to say that he met me there. Opening his soft tender pieces to me now too, we moved forward together toward the unknown.
It was not his fault that I didn’t feel love for myself. None of his love could change this! The ego defenses still came up and they still do sometimes. We activate each other and often there are uncomfortable conversations. We stay present as best we can, we stay with each other, we sit in silence, we breathe together, and we just… be. Accepting and being with the discomfort of speaking my truth has allowed me to experience an increase in pleasure in all areas of my life. I am no longer hiding in someone else’s desires. I am aligning with my own intuition, my own path, and my own pleasure. It feels empowering and is damn delicious.
My relationship script has completely expired and there is no perceived “right” or “wrong” anymore. There simply is what is. Now we get to write this story as it unfolds; as two whole conscious, courageous, and committed individuals who love themselves first.
Do you tend to lose yourself in relationships?
If you do, let’s have a conversation about it. I dedicate 30-50 minutes to you to help identify how you may be a pleaser (or co-dependent). Absolutely no judgment! What you know empowers you to choose differently. Let’s do that together. You’re not alone!
With love and light,