This article and many to come will be part of the Radical Pleasure Series. The series focuses on ways to live pleasurably every day of your life. Enjoy!
Since discovering I’m an Empath, I’ve been curious about the ways I’ve dishonored my sensitivities and needs. I have often defaulted to saying YES or NO too quickly to people without stopping, breathing, and checking in with my needs. This has proved to be disastrous and what propelled me into decades-long saga of pleaserhood. Now that I’m more aware of my needs and desires and I can speak them confidently and unapologetically, I became curious about what exactly are ALL my needs.
I explored this for several reasons.
- I’m happily single and have the time and space to think about this without someone constantly in my face.
- I have compromised myself to a traumatic extent in the past and I’m done with that. I notice it sometimes in my current relationships and I’m committed to loving myself and loving others without sacrificing my needs.
- I notice that sometimes my desires are based on old programming and that if I was truly honoring my needs, my desires would be different (for example, do I really want to be married? Did I ever really want kids?)
I sat down and wrote an exhaustive list of my needs. I ended up with 5 pages! I really looked at myself and how I operate in the world. This is a list I intend to give to a future life companion. I sent the list to Heather since she is, right now, my partner in many ways. I was finally able to accept who I am because of writing this list. I gave up illusions of what others have told me to be. It was liberating.
Examples of needs I put into two categories: life needs and relationship needs:
- Platonic non-sexual touch from many people in my life
- To be heard at all times when I speak
- To be appreciated through words
- Good food – making, sharing, and receiving it
- Good sleep
- My morning routine
- My own bedroom, at least and maybe never living with a man
- Sensual non-sexual touch for long periods of time
- Consent to penetrate me
- frequent checking in about how I feel sexually, physically, and emotionally
- Co-create together important projects
- Share microscopic truths with each other and release assumptions
Your turn. Write out an exhaustive list of all your needs: money, relationships, friendships. Note if you have resistance to this exercise. Why are you afraid to do this?
Email me with how this was for you.
Love you fierce,