To start the New Year, I am taking a break from some coping mechanisms and inviting in healthy discipline. Don’t worry! I am doing this with a whole lot of love. A year ago, I would have used self-criticism as my driver for any constructive change but things are different now! I am guided by my heart, filled with self-compassion, and focused on that which brings me lasting pleasure.
I have clarity. As I breathe into my body and contemplate this intention, I feel spacious. I know this is what I need. I feel a smidge of fear arise, as I step into the unknown, along with immense excitement for the opportunity to understand myself more.
Of course, my inner critic still likes to make itself known in tricky ways, but I am relatively attuned to its presence now and seem to be able to filter out much of the BS it tells me. What remains is love for my body and curiosity around my habits and patterns.
So, what is this all about?
In brief, this about my relationship to food and a relatively harmless habit I’m ready to release and no longer rely on. Lately, I have been seeking instant gratification and numbing out (which is totally okay) yet I’m also wondering why. The best way to learn why we do something is to stop doing it and see what happens.
I am really not a New Year’s resolution kind of gal, and I haven’t ever been a fan of diets or super strict regimens. I have enjoyed giving myself freedom and every time I have considered setting boundaries around health and wellness in the past, my inner child would throw a giant tantrum.
I listened to my inner child most of the time because I NEVER wanted to restrict things in my life again after my struggle with bulimia and brief moments of anorexia. You can read my blog post on this vulnerable share here. The last thing I ever wanted to do was create a resurgence of this vicious cycle after finally shifting out of my eating disorder (ED).
What has changed…
Why am I adjusting and making wellness changes in my life now? I am feeling a clean “yes!” in my heart and mind and it feels aligned. Deep down I have been wanting to shift some habits and show myself that I can do anything I truly desire, with love.
I have been very curious on how to implement healthy discipline through self-love. I am a yoga instructor and the idea of Tapas comes to mind when I consider this. To get a bit nerdy… Tapas is a niyama that translates to self-discipline. The yamas and niyamas are yoga’s ethical guidelines, almost like a map to guide you on your life’s journey. Simply put, the yamas are things not to do or healthy restraints, while the niyamas are things to do or observances. Together, they form a yogic guidance system.
Self-discipline & healthy eating habits
I know many people experience some form of disordered eating in their life and there is no one right way to rebuild a healthy relationship. To be clear, I do not believe there is one size fits all way to eat. I am not offering advice but simply sharing where I am, in my own journey, and how I got here.
Years after balancing out my ED, I have compassion for myself no matter what I consume. I have also been very curious about my snacking patterns, late-night bites, and sugar cravings. As a team, my partner and I are diving into a Whole 30 meal plan to look at our habits head on and support each other through the process.
I hope to learn more about myself through this process and understand why I still rely on food for pleasure, or numbing, at times while also tracking to see how my body feels eating less inflammatory foods. I love treating things in life as an experiment! I am not trying to lose weight. The number on the scale and even the image in the mirror really mean nothing. Instead, I am solely focused on how I feel and what I can learn. I’ll keep you updated on the Radical Pleasurist facebook page!
Releasing a 10-year habit
I’ve had a silly habit for a while now and those who know me likely already know what this is – hair twirling. I know it may sound trivial, however, it’s significance runs deep. It was a habit I picked up when I began healing from my eating disorder as I felt I needed something else to do that is pleasurable besides binging. It actually helped at the time and eased my anxiety as well.
I can track the habit from my childhood as I would run satin through my fingers regularly. It likely surfaced again because I felt like a scared child when I confronted my ED – unsafe, confused, and lacking control. I am no longer a child. I am a grown up and a strong woman going after all she has ever desired in life. I desire to break free from the habits and beliefs around the habits (i.e. believing the habits cannot change) that keep me feeling small or tied to my past.
I am ready to evolve and I accept that things might not change for a long time. Who knows, I might even pick up another random habit to keep me occupied! I am already considering purchasing a rolling trinity ring for times of boredom. Regardless, I choose to love all that I am, my messy human bits and quirks, and aim to live as my highest self, a queen who is not bound by the material realm nor caught up by constantly seeking instant gratification.
What do you need as you enter this new decade?
Are there habits you are looking to lovingly shift or change?
Let me help you! Check out and complete the Pleasure Manifesto and start your 2020 with clarity, self-love, grace, compassion, and excitement. It’s a powerful and effective tool!